Government friend zoned us

‪Govt is like that girl who run behind the guy with money ( corporate ) and everyone else (mango people) are friend zoned. Friends (mitr) keep doing favor to her in her good and bad times but in return seldom gets hugs and few mentions.
They also get false hope that someday she will be accompany them but no she will marry the rich guy because you are funny but poor while he is rich and control money.
So what if he is abusive?
So what if he is sleeping with other girls too?
He is paying the govt to stay in power with eyes closed.
That's enough.

A small note

No matter what people tell you that you are not romantic or you are dude like..
But I know the other side of you too..
That hidden girl in you..
The girl who is so damn romantic..
You never behave so..
But still I know..

I tried..

I knew I am in love when I asked to hold your hands for the very first time..
Remember that night?
You were going home by bus
But didn't tell you..
Because perhaps I didn't know it was that deep until I felt the pain of parting from you at the railway station that day..

May be it is hard to explain..
May be I can't tell you how I feel..
It was kind of a heart-sinking feeling though..
I could physically feel that something broke in my heart..

If you would ask me reasons behind it.. may be I won't be able to describe..
May be because there is no reason at all..

Now, when I know all this..
I can't stop thinking about us..
I love you more than ever..

I know you can't love me even if you want or I want..
Because of your promises to yourself and your parents..
I know you don't feel the same way I feel about you..
But at least I want to deserve you..

I tried to move on..
I tried hitting on girls..
I tried to think about them..
Nothing worked..
I kept thinking about you..
So I decided..
I will better be with you..

Life's Little Paradox..

What is life? Isn't it just an opinion of the person who is living or the person who is related to it, in one way or another?

If I think my life is good and meaningful then of course I will see everything in a different and happier way. Its opposite is true too. If I think my life is not as meaningful at all and I am unhappy from the way things turned out for me. I will be sulking and remain such, unless something more dreadful or something very good happens to me.

Now let’s see this from others point of view. Suppose, for a moment it doesn’t matter what I feel inside, if I am happy or sad. The way I show and reflect to other people I will be perceived and treated respective way. If I am happy I will attract more people. If I stay sad for long, may be in the beginning people will try to make me feel good or cheer me up but after sometime they will stop being nice to me and might leave me as well.

I was something else but I showed them something different. For them my truth is what they perceive from my personality. So again this is merely an opinion of others about me.

These opinions, mine or theirs forms a circle. The meaning of life becomes how and what I think about it. If in my opinion booking a seat to heaven is the meaning of life then I will do every good deed to earn enough credits and then I will kill myself shunning any possibility of doing anything that might make me lose credits. So is doing suicide rational? No!

This whole idea of finding a meaning of life is a big lie I think. We become like a dog chasing his own tail.

I wonder if you didn't even lived your life till the end how could you even think that your life had reached a point where you should start looking for its meaning? Who knows that the meaning of your life won't change once you find it out?

There are numerous questions laying and creeping on the floor of human mind and no one can answer them correctly but he himself.

So I think first purpose of life is to live it. If you didn't, you will never be able to understand what was it is all about and what is its meaning.

Lost the meaning of silence

On her birthday I didnt call her.. I messaged her instead..
I don't know why I was so scared to talk to her..
I don't know why the voice that could made my day once became so fearful to me..
I couldn't gather guts to talk to her.. I thought what would I talk about?
I was not scared of talks I was scared of the silence that would follow after few initial question answers..
"Hi how are you?"
"I am fine. you tell??"
"Me good too.."
"And so.."
"So nothing.."
"Whats plan on birthday..?"
"Party with friends and all.."
"Hmmm.."
"Hmmm.."

And silence after that..
The silence.. that I thought was signature of our closeness for only close people can stay silent without feeling awkward..
Now that silence scared me..
Was that the first sign that we are not close anymore??
What could I do to fix that?
I kept thinking whole night...
But couldn't find any answer..

Is that what I called love?
If that is love.. why does that hurt so much?
Why it keeps me from talking to her..?
Perhaps thats what happens when love penetrate your soul..
Your mind and soul start that conflict and between that only the body perish..

Convenience of Time

'I am scared' he said, 'scared because perhaps in future, god forbid, there might come several moment when I will not be able to provide you with all the things you deserve. May be we left alone without home of our own and so no car not everything that a home possesses today. I earn less money now then I use to. I am not that well and happy anymore. I am going through a big trench caused by financial and mental crunch we suffered recently. Everything become inconvenient for us. At that moment I will need your hand to hold mine. You are the person i would believe in that bad time. If you would call me loser I will be shattered and kneel down in front of that situation to surrender and devour me. If you will say that we can get over with it together and you are with me, I would stand tall in front of the problem and soon attain victory over it. But I am scared that at such moment you will leave me. You will leave me on my own to fight alone with eveything. I am scared of being left alone by the one I believe in so much. Why, because the time is not that easy anymore? I am scared of such a time. I strongly feel some day may come when I will be broke. That time my love will the be worst and the best time for me. A woman can make man a winner or looser.'

She didn't say anything in reply. Because he said all of this to himself only.

A long forgotten Diary : A poem

A diary that got wet in the rain last night is drying fast..
I'm Wondering if I should make a trip to the memoir..
I turned a few pages with my left hand..
Ink has spread on the paper..
Like blue clouds in white sky..
Few words lost; even their impression gone from the paper..
I close my eyes to recollect what could have been written there..
On a few pages, even dates washed away..
I can't even identify them in my memories..
Butterflies playing in my heart; while I'm missing the old days...
And I am cursing myself..
What if I could have saved this diary from the rain last night..

Nothing Usual

The things I supposed, will happen..
Didn't happened.
That day nothing usual happened.
God must be on leave for a day or few..
Mother must be fed up of us, all..

I call that reality

During winters..
When I lay in my bed..
I only see stars in the dark sky..
I call them hopes..
When I feel cold..
And a sheet of leaves cover my body..
I call that care..
When I can't sleep..
Sweet breeze sings lullabies for me..
I call that love..
When I dont wake up in the morning..
Sun shines at my face..
I call that reality..

A helpless love

It was a usual morning and after breakfast he went to get ready in the bedroom. Where I was lying on one side of the bed. Looking at him, my mind started searching for old memories, how he used to pick me in his hands and in return how I would put my arm around his neck. But not anymore.

These are old sweet memories. But now, I am getting old. I am getting older every day every second. Just like a flower loose its fragrance after one night, I think my night is getting over. I cannot help it, can I? I would really want to. I want to be loved as old days. I want to be chosen before he choose anything else. I am with him, since very long. This is how she should be treating me now?